On the day of the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, the Trump-aligned supermarket tabloid the National Enquirer published its latest alleged scoop: and, as luck would have it, it’s a “bombshell.”
The “WORLD EXCLUSIVE 9-PAGE SPECIAL INVESTIGATION” breathlessly details how the former Secretary of State and First Lady is a sex-crazed, “evil,” prolifically “polyamorous,” bisexual (or at least bi-curious), and “ruthless power-hungry” supervillain, with a taste for criminal conspiracy and character assassination aimed at enemy “bimbos.”
It’s a story that has everything you could want in a sleazy, so-bad-it’s-good Hollywood production—like the plots of Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct and the intrigue and open-marriage-ness of House of Cards were rolled into one story, but with even cheesier dialogue, somehow. It has clandestine sex romps, mysterious death, dirty tricks, prostitutes, “LIES AND SPIES,” secret plots, and a woman hell-bent on manipulating her sex-crazed self all the way to the White House.
It also has exclamation points! Lots and lots of exclamation points!!
The Enquirer’s conspiracy-theory-mongering investigation (some of which you can read below) is divided into four chapters, including “THE BOMBSHELL PROOF HILLARY SILENCED BILL’S SEX VICTIMS,” “HILLARY’S PLOT TO KILL MONICA” (via smear campaign), “HILLARY’S GAY LOVERS & THE VINCE FOSTER DEATH COVER-UP—THE TRUTH AT LAST,” and concluding with “CONFESSIONS OF A CLINTON BAGMAN! IN HIS OWN WORDS.”
The centerpiece of the cover story is Hillary’s “BAGMAN”—a “fixer” who has seen the errors of his Clinton-loyalist ways, and spilled his guts to the Enquirer about the Clintons’ sex-hypocrisy, describing an “endless string of sexual stories arising from what effectively was the Clintons’ open, polyamorous marriage.”
“I am coming forward now because of the endless attention the alleged indiscretions of Donald Trump have received,” the source says, explaining the convenient timing of this Enquirer yarn. “Nothing I have heard comes close to the sexual and moral corruption of the Clintons.”
And why hasn’t the full scope of Hillary Clinton’s sexual corruption reached the front page of The New York Times, yet??
Money, of course. Loads and loads of filthy Clinton hush money.
“Hollywood superstars, busty bimbos, strippers, hookers and shady figures from America’s underworld have all been SECRETLY paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in hush money for more than two decades in a sordid scheme to help Hillary Clinton become president!” the story begins. “The women received the sleazy payoffs through Hillary’s political ‘hitman’ recruited from the ranks of Hollywood’s devious fixers by a top film and television executive.”
The juiciest part of the Enquirer’s cover story lies in the alleged revelations on “amorous Hillary’s” wild, swinging sex life.
“[Her fixer] arranged a lesbian romp for bi-sexual Hillary with a prominent Hollywood identity!” the Enquirer blares. “[He] squealed about a lusty rendezvous he arranged for Hillary that FINALLY proves the lesbian rumors that have dogged her for decades!”
“Hillary Clinton is a secret sex freak who paid fixers to set up illicit romps with both men AND women!” the report continues.
Oddly enough, rumors that Hillary Clinton is a lesbian murderer—or that Bill Clinton is a cocaine-addled deviant—are nothing new. Authors Robert Morrow, Edward Klein, and Trump’s longtime adviser and political ally Roger Stone have written books making such outlandish claims about the Clintons’ supposed drug habits, sexual preferences, and blood-splattered history. Trump himself suggested earlier this month that Hillary was also screwing around behind Bill’s back.
The Trump campaign did not respond to a request for comment regarding whether Trump sees any merit in the Enquirer’s latest “bombshell” on his rival’s torrid lesbian dalliances and sexual corruption.
And much in the same way that the rise of Trumpism has helped push leading conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and his team at Infowars more and more into the American mainstream consciousness, the success of the Trump presidential campaign has elevated the National Enquirer, a publication long famous for printing unsubstantiated gossip and ridiculous stories about the Illuminati and space aliens.
Early this year, the Enquirer officially endorsed Trump, making it one of the very few printed news sources in the country to do so. In the same March issue that “TRUMP MUST BE PREZ!” the Enquirer also bashed Trump’s primary opponent Marco Rubio as “nerdy.”
The Republican presidential nominee has long been a fan of the pro-Trump supermarket tabloid, and has reportedly forged during this election a political alliance with his friend David Pecker—the CEO of American Media, Inc., which publishes the Enquirer.
“They’re very close,” a source close to the Enquirer told New York magazine last October. The insider also told New York that Team Trump was the source behind a cover story on rival candidate Ben Carson, headlined, “Bungling Surgeon Ben Carson Left Sponge in Patient’s Brain!” (Both the Trump campaign and Pecker denied the allegations of collusion.)
“Trump is a big friend of Pecker,” a source told the Daily News, stating that the real-estate mogul is “protected” by the Enquirer. “So no John Edwards-type investigations … Some of the staff are furious. Trump’s such fertile ground, and it drives them crazy to not only be staying away from it, but running puff pieces for him.”
In March, when the Enquirer published a hit piece on Ted Cruz involving “A HOOKER, A TEACHER & COWORKERS: 5 romps that will destroy Ted Cruz!” and a “sex-in-closet” tale, Trump and his campaign used the article as a weapon against Cruz. “The National Enquirer did a story,” Trump said at the time. “It was their story…I have no idea if it’s right or not. They actually have a very good record of being right.”
Months later, when the publication ran a story suggesting that Cruz’s dad was in New Orleans passing out pro-Castro pamphlets with President John F. Kennedy’s assassin (sidenote: there is no actual evidence for this), Trump widely promoted the “news,” and got his allies in mainstream media, including Fox News host Sean Hannity, to help him to do so.
Now, with Trump’s rivals in the GOP primary long since vanquished, it is only rational that the Trump-loving tabloid would turn its attention to Hillary Clinton “BLOCKBUSTERS.”
Despite their extremely cozy relationship, the Enquirer hasn’t always been kind to to Trump. In years past, it would publish thinly sourced stories about Trump’s own sex life, particularly ones about him getting cuckolded or two-timed.
“TRUMP‘S MISTRESS CHEATS ON DONALD WITH TOM CRUISE,” a cover story, dated March 27, 1990, alleged, promising “sizzling details inside.” (Another issue from the same month declared that “TRUMP MISTRESS IS PREGNANT,” leading to Ivana Trump’s “heartbreak.”)
The love affair between the mogul and the tabloid is now, however, very much mutual.
“There have been few presidential candidates in recent history that have generated the kind of discussion that Donald Trump has,” Pecker told The Daily Beast back in March. “It’s no surprise that the readership of the Enquirer recently told us that they wanted to read more about Trump than any other 2016 candidate.”